Him
It was going to be a long train ride today. Rather may be I felt it should get prolonged forever. I was anxious to meet him but hesitant too. I was still confused about my own decision. Meeting him again was it wise? I had fought hard with my own will for so long, to overcome his need. Was I strong enough to avoid diving in his love again? My heart yearned to see him and so I was here on this empty train.
At the next stop a herd of people got in and suddenly the train seemed crowded. As I was scanning the crowded faces, for a sec my heart skipped stumbled, when I saw a glimpse of him. My eyes curiously started looking in the same direction where my heart felt his presence .Then I smiled, it was just a chap with similar looks like him, but it was not him. I spoke to him yesterday over phone, he sounded same, and his voice had the same magic on me even now after almost a decade. For eight years, I believed I had become stronger, more composed, much more recluse; but I collapsed on his one “hello”. I didn’t want to again confront my own emotions, instead just bit my lips hard, so the pain could undermine the sudden burst of all those old foolish emotions I once had.
I still don’t understand why the slightest reflection of him makes me go weak in my knees. My sense and sensibility takes a back seat and my soul just wanders away to him, until I again have to make same effort to get it back and stick to reality. The only difference after eight years now is I can get back to my senses quicker than as it used to be before. But yesterday his voice and today the similar looking chap, has drawn me into the same bubble where nothing else matters but him. But then bubbles don’t last long, they burst too soon. So had mine 8 years ago. And the damage, almost for lifetime.
When it comes to surrendering to our own emotions, why do we fail to evaluate situations where things won’t happen as we see? Why do we so blindly expect things to happen as per what we imagine? Is this immaturity or lack of experience in life or just absurdity? Or are we empowered by some arbitrary platonic system that governs our mindless behavior.
There are days when I sit and think why, why did I love him, or did I really love him? I doubt my own feelings. But then I go through my old diaries and as I examine, my each day then was filled with stories of him. Some of them still afresh.
9th Jan 2007
We were sitting on the beach as usual, not talking much, not discussing anything special. But I loved his presences besides me. I loved being with him. I was happy to be part of his life. He holding my hand was worth more than anything else. And I know he feels the same too.
7th April 2007
There is no reason to love someone. I can never pin point the reason why I love you, what’s special about you that I am totally mesmerized about. I just know that I am happy absolutely when I am around you and when you are with me. And I know you love me equally too.
22th May 2007
I float in an unknown universe where just he and I exists; when I am eager to touch him as he is. When I feel good to see him hard for me and when he makes me arc as he presses against me. When we both kiss hesitating to end it ever and when my skin smells of him, then when I just lie on him and fall asleep.
12th June 2007
He cheated me. But I know he loves me, dose he?
And then one day I stopped writing. I didn’t know what to write, what to express, I was left with a constant feeling of free fall, in universe, without any force acting against me, but without any strength holding me. How true are our instincts? Yes he cheated me was a fact, he accepted, but fact which he repented, he never wanted to loose me.My instincts believed him. I had a decision to make and I left him.
Almost eight years now, he never tried too hard to get me back. May be if he would have, things would be different now, worse or better? Yesterday he called, he wanted to meet me, I didn’t ask why, I had too many questions still unanswered, why was most insignificant of all. I just want to see him again, don’t know why, to choke again with feelings of betrayal or to be overwhelmed with the buried love, may be seeing him again will clear my own doubts. I wish its love again, true love for a change.
Serendipity 
Your post reminds me the mess through which my heart threw me. Heart can be most irrational and illogical, hoping that mirage is the reality and clinging to the tiny bits of hope. Beautifully written. I could empathize with what the character of your article might have felt.
Happy to know you could connect with the story and thanks too for putting down your comments. Agree with you heart sometimes leads us on paths which of course is most beautiful , but how it ends that’s what may be we call destiny.
How unbelievably same as what I’ve just written in my blog. I wish to write a hundred things about why and what you must be going through. How our hearts are servile to none, finding heir paths in all kinds of mess and complex ways. They are unbending in the face of overwhelming distraction. Once you’ve loved someone you cannot go back to not loving that person. It’s fascinating as it is sorrowful.
I wish you all the best in love. I know if everything is good in love, you won’t need one damn thing more. You’d find your feet and your peace. Something I’m doomed to search for the rest of my existence. Many are. Loved reading your work.
Once truly loved can never be unloved I agree..But its true things which drowns us makes us more alive too.Feeling ours and others hurt pain is good in a way, we are humans cant escape that,the day we loose sensitiveness to others emotions that one is truly doomed!!!
You remind of someone whose one glimpse now matters a lot.
I know I won’t be able to meet her again, it’s been 3 years now, I haven’t seen her but I try to see her in every girl who has similar hair cut, height, smile.
First love always hurts.
It dose hurt , but faith in goodness that’s the only way to move ahead to a better stage!